His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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