my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize