1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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