She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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