I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
