Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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