I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
