"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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