I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
You were trust falling into bushes
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
