Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
