My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
