loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
