Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
