Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
