when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize