even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
