I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
