When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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