the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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