she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
