Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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