come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize