bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
this is an emotional support booty call
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
