one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
