i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I am midnight drunk by noon
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
