Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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