What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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