I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
