she woke up with a sticky ear
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
