I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
