I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
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