She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
