I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
