I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
