Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
