Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize