What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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