make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
