Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
