Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
