My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
