If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
