my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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