Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
