On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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