I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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