i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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