our cab driver is having phone sex.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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