i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
