So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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