I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
