Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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