You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
