he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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