stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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