You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
