I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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