The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
