I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I need moral support for this bender
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
