I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Randomize
