I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
