I can't breathe out the right side of my face
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Randomize
