I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
