Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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