There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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