i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
