He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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