Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
